Top OkCupid Profile Tips

Aug 31
Play

big-time-dates-no-responseSo you’ve been messaging every girl you can find on OkCupid and none of them are writing you back? Stop failing! Online dating expert, Sara Luvhard, returns in this week’s episode where we reveal the best tips for beefing up your OkCupid Profile. This guide is guaranteed to fill your sack.

Filed Under: Podcast

How To Become An OkCupid Superstar

Aug 24
Play

okcupid-logoOkCupid is the third most popular free dating site in the world after Big Time Dates and Plenty Of Fish (see Wikipedia). Because of this, many of our readers have been writing in to BTD-HQ to find out how to become an OkCupid God. This week we professionally interview a woman of the night who has been on more OkCupid dates than both Mark and Nathan put together, which has earned her the infamous titles OkCuckold and OkCupid Superstar. Sara is an expert in online dating. Recently, she was forced off of OkCupid in a public debacle when their mainframe crashed because too many people were trying to load her profile page. Are you ready to turn your Ok profile into Platinum Cocksmanship?

Filed Under: Podcast

Monday Morning Brainstorming

Jul 16

The first thing we do every morning here at Big Time Dates HQ is make a to do list. Here’s a behind-the-scenes peak into our daily routine.

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Filed Under: Dating Montage Photos

Big Time Dates Pasties

Jul 13

Big Time Dates is now offering high quality pasties to the discerning burlesque dancer. All Big Time Dates brand pasties are 100% BTD and as usual, guaranteed to get your date sucked.

big-time-dates-Pasties

Filed Under: Dating Montage Photos

Best Dating Advise On Twitter

Jul 10

Filed Under: Sext

Ryan And Erin Make Natural History

Jul 7

We sent Ryan and Erin on a Big Time Date to 65,000,000 b.c. Well, this is what happens when you fuck with the space-time continuum. Click on photo below for enhanced ocular detail.

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Filed Under: Dating Montage Photos

Being Smart and Accomplished

Jul 4
Author: JulieGoRound

I have a lot of single friends who use various dating websites to find true love. A time or two my friends allowed me to view their full dating site profiles. As a taken gal who met my guy the old-fashioned way (face-to-face, not shopped), I am always amused by these websites. Many sites promise to find the perfect match, but what if you want to date outside your intellectual potential or interests?

What if really you just want to bag a sexy, smart, and accomplished person?

When I was single, my biggest fear was I would sound unintelligent and boring to my date. Over the years I have collected a handful of phrases you can use on a date that are GUARANTEED to make you the smartest fucker on the planet. And get that date sucked.

SMART+ACCOMPLISHED STUFF TO SAY ON DATES

1: Begin any story with the phrase, “When I was in the Peace Corp….” or “When I backpacked through Europe…..”

2: Tell the date their name meaning. Who the hell cares if you get it right. A lifelong relationship is built on bullshit. EXAMPLE: Did you know the meaning of the name Jennifer? It is French for “she who is most beautiful.”

3: Preface any interest your date has with, “I read in the New York Times/Wall Street Journal/Paris Review…..” EXAMPLE: “You like banana splits? I read in the Wall Street Journal that ice cream fat lipids are very beneficial for reproductive health if consumed in the morning.” Bam! Get you some.

big-time-date-feminist-gosling

4: Pretend you are a food/beverage connoisseur while at dinner. General Rule: Sniff, Slurp Slurp, Hold in Mouth, Make a Contemplative Face, Comment for Beverages. Turn Plate, Observe Dish, Comment Color Palette, First Bite, Fake Orgasm for Main Courses. This also works well in the bedroom.

5: Ask your date, “Do you speak French/Spanish/Italian/Swahili/Russian?” Make sure they say “no” to one, then make up a phrase in a language. EXAMPLE: “Do you speak Italian? No? The Italians, especially in the region of Tuscany, have a phrase they like to say in a similar situation–le tette sono impressionanti. It means, ‘Let’s have a good time!'” (It actually means Your titties are awesome. Compliment and smart skills. Two birds, one stone.)

6: Add the word “artisan” to any noun. EXAMPLE: “Let’s skip dessert here. I know a great artisan chocolate shop/artisan dildo shop/artisan cocktail bar around the corner.”

7: If you don’t have a tattoo, I would recommend buying a Sharpie, finding a cool symbol from another culture, and trace it on your forearm. Then you can roll up your sleeve, show it proudly, then say, “This is Chinese for, ‘I walk alone.'”

8: If you are fortunate enough to get your date back to your place, be prepared! Throw various foreign language magazines throughout your house, buy used textbooks on the smartest subjects available at a resale bookstore, stacks of Sartre, Heidegger, Lacan, Plato, Delsarte. Have a radical political poster on your wall.

9: While at your home, mention you have a conference call with the Sorbonne in the morning and must check your messages. Pre-load your answering machine with calls from foreign people you’ve invented. Use your skills of improvisation to laugh at the appropriate moments in the messages.

10: After making love to your date (if sex on first date is your persuasion), say, “I thought reaching the peak of the Himalayas was the biggest thrill of my life….until now.” BOOM!

Filed Under: Sext

Get Your Date Sucked At Work

Jun 26

We all want to do it. But should we? Today we ask the question “How do you deal with your natural sexual desires when at work?” Would you masturbate on the job? Or rip a co-workers clothes off in a broom closet for a quickie? Steve Pavlina, a passionate blogger, said in a recent post that a friend was trying to convince him to give up his blog and get an office job. Here’s what happened:


Friend:
Your life sucks. You need to get an office job and work in a cubicle. Live the dream, man.
Steve:    
But that’s stupid. I get so much pussy.
Friend:
No you don’t. You’re wearing sweatpants…
Steve
:    …Well if I worked in an office, would I get to sex girls?big-time-dates-office-romance
Friend: What are you talking about?
Steve:    Well, if I’m with a female coworker, and we both get horny, then do we get to go take a shag break? Like, are there special rooms for that?
Friend: Oh no no no. You could both get fired for that sort of thing.
Steve:    Fired? Why? What if it’s just a quickie and we still get all our work done?
Friend: Yeah, don’t do that. The company could get sued.
Steve:    Ok… so I have to settle for blowjobs then?
Friend: …Goodness no. That’s just as bad.
Steve:    So what do people do if they get horny at work? People still get horny at their jobs, don’t they?
Friend: Sure… they get horny all the time. But they suppress it and pretend they’re not. Then they take care of themselves later, off the clock, usually with porn.
Steve:    Seems easier just to have a quickie, maybe take a short cuddle nap, and then go back to work refreshed and happy.
Friend: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in a corporate setting.
Steve:    …But those positive, after-sex feelings make collaboration easier. Trying to suppress one’s sexual desires every day seems like it would be very distracting.
Friend: It is distracting of course, but remember that you aren’t expected to be too productive anyway, so it works out okay.

Why is this taboo!??

The truth is, “you spend a lot of time at work, in an environment packed with people who share similar goals & have a high likelihood for compatibility.” Writer Crystal Miller once worked for a company that promoted inter-office dating. Their policy – “Your significant other will be comfortable because they’ll know where you are.  You’re both happy.  We’re happy because we know you’ll be more productive and that’s better for business.  Everybody wins.” This company won Best Place To Work on local & state levels several times.

big-time-dates-dating-worplaceAuthor Nicole Williams agrees, which is why she wrote Office Sex Survival Guide. It’s basically a manual for getting your date sucked at work. As she says, “When tensions are flaring, office space is tight, and we’re logging 60 hours of face time a week, how couldn’t we expect a little chemical reaction?” And lots of women are doing it, as she reports, “An estimated 10 million couples met their mate at the office in 2003.”

So if it’s so natural, why not have a designated Shag Break Room in the office as Pavlina suggested? I’m sure this has existed somewhere, sometime in the world. Please research this and get back to BTD HQ in the morning.

NOTE: Here are some work places that are not good to have sex at: kindergarten, high-rise window washer, bus driver, waste water treatment plant.

Filed Under: Sext

Scott’s Theme

Jun 22
Play

Fans send us gifts all the time. Cookies, drugs, dates, and audio. Here we showcase one of the best gifts we’ve received in a week: a hot new track by trance DJ and producer Scott. You may remember him from Glorious Day Of Love Making.

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Filed Under: Podcast

Our Chief Analyst Gets Hitched

Jun 15
Play

Congratulations to Lucas and Courtney, going out on the biggest date of all. As you know, Lucass is the Chief Analyst here at Big Time Dates and you should remember Courtdizzle from Totally Prepared and The Bookmark.

It all started when we sent them on their very first Big Time Date and it escalated when Lucas secured their future by being hired at the most successful dating website on the internet.  We wrote this song for them to celebrate the glorious day of love-making that is their union. Love making referring to their union with God, obviously, and Andrew, Mark, Nathan, Scott, Ryan, Tyler, and Jim.

High quality file format available here.

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Filed Under: Podcast