I have a lot of single friends who use various dating websites to find true love. A time or two my friends allowed me to view their full dating site profiles. As a taken gal who met my guy the old-fashioned way (face-to-face, not shopped), I am always amused by these websites. Many sites promise to find the perfect match, but what if you want to date outside your intellectual potential or interests?
What if really you just want to bag a sexy, smart, and accomplished person?
When I was single, my biggest fear was I would sound unintelligent and boring to my date. Over the years I have collected a handful of phrases you can use on a date that are GUARANTEED to make you the smartest fucker on the planet. And get that date sucked.
SMART+ACCOMPLISHED STUFF TO SAY ON DATES
1: Begin any story with the phrase, “When I was in the Peace Corp….” or “When I backpacked through Europe…..”
2: Tell the date their name meaning. Who the hell cares if you get it right. A lifelong relationship is built on bullshit. EXAMPLE: Did you know the meaning of the name Jennifer? It is French for “she who is most beautiful.”
3: Preface any interest your date has with, “I read in the New York Times/Wall Street Journal/Paris Review…..” EXAMPLE: “You like banana splits? I read in the Wall Street Journal that ice cream fat lipids are very beneficial for reproductive health if consumed in the morning.” Bam! Get you some.
4: Pretend you are a food/beverage connoisseur while at dinner. General Rule: Sniff, Slurp Slurp, Hold in Mouth, Make a Contemplative Face, Comment for Beverages. Turn Plate, Observe Dish, Comment Color Palette, First Bite, Fake Orgasm for Main Courses. This also works well in the bedroom.
5: Ask your date, “Do you speak French/Spanish/Italian/Swahili/Russian?” Make sure they say “no” to one, then make up a phrase in a language. EXAMPLE: “Do you speak Italian? No? The Italians, especially in the region of Tuscany, have a phrase they like to say in a similar situation–le tette sono impressionanti. It means, ‘Let’s have a good time!'” (It actually means Your titties are awesome. Compliment and smart skills. Two birds, one stone.)
6: Add the word “artisan” to any noun. EXAMPLE: “Let’s skip dessert here. I know a great artisan chocolate shop/artisan dildo shop/artisan cocktail bar around the corner.”
7: If you don’t have a tattoo, I would recommend buying a Sharpie, finding a cool symbol from another culture, and trace it on your forearm. Then you can roll up your sleeve, show it proudly, then say, “This is Chinese for, ‘I walk alone.'”
8: If you are fortunate enough to get your date back to your place, be prepared! Throw various foreign language magazines throughout your house, buy used textbooks on the smartest subjects available at a resale bookstore, stacks of Sartre, Heidegger, Lacan, Plato, Delsarte. Have a radical political poster on your wall.
9: While at your home, mention you have a conference call with the Sorbonne in the morning and must check your messages. Pre-load your answering machine with calls from foreign people you’ve invented. Use your skills of improvisation to laugh at the appropriate moments in the messages.
10: After making love to your date (if sex on first date is your persuasion), say, “I thought reaching the peak of the Himalayas was the biggest thrill of my life….until now.” BOOM!