Sext

How To Get A 152% Response Rate

Mar 27

We here at Big Time Dates are guaranteed to getting your date sucked so we are about to reveal one of our most successful online dating techniques to you today. Lying. If you want to get an almost instantaneous response from someone you are interested in AND start off the new relationship on the right foot, then first make sure to abuse their trust. Place RE: in front of the email you send even if you haven’t emailed that person before because a lot of people are lazy. In fact, according to research by our new chief analyst, everyone is, which is why this technique works so well.

For example, RE: I have to postpone our Big Time Date. That will force them to open the email because they will think that you are important since they scheduled to meet you. Remember, people are dumb and have never received spam email before in their lives. Now, for the body of your message, you can write something like “perhaps we can reschedule a better time; I’ll let you know when it’s convenient for me.” This will always get a response, 152% of the time. She will be sure to check out your profile because women love unsolicited sexual advances. (P.S. Works for men 193% of the time)

woman-licking-laptop-big-time-dates

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To BigTimeDate List on Pinterest

Mar 20

Some people have ToDo lists, we have a To BigTimeDate List. It’s good to be organized and make lists. That’s why we keep our grocery lists on Twitter and our dating lists on Pinterest. New technology is great. Imagine, we used to have these lists on giant charts in our bedroom at home?! Funny story, our home burned down. But you don’t see us complaining because we are early adopters. Bone-up on your tech and join us.

To-BigTimeDate-List-Pinterest

We also post success stories on Pinterest for you to follow.

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Black People Meet

Mar 13

In our ongoing quest to bring you unbiased reviews of the hottest dating sites we are putting BlackPeopleMeet.com through the paces. Let’s see how well this profile ranks.

Big-Time-Dates-blackpeoplemeet

Height: at least 12’8″ (combined height)

Eye Color: Multi-black

How would you describe your looks: Past super-attractive

What is your marital status? Multiple in progress

How many children do you have? None… I’ve never been pregnant, but it seems to happen to a lot of the women around me.

A little about me us: First of all we’re a team. This is non-negotiable. Good news for you, you get to kill two birds with one stone, and by birds I mean dicks, and by kill I mean love.

About the one I’m looking for: DTFDTFDTF

I’d just like to add: We run a high scale dating site. Viewing this profile has entered you in our database. You will now receive hourly updates of our relationship status until you go out with us.

 

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Profreshional Dating Advice For Tweeps

Feb 28

Bus-Boobs-Big-Time-Dates

Are-You-Guys-Dating-Big-Time-Dates

Bone-Zone-Big-Time-Dates

Dating-God-Big-Time-Dates

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Big Time Dating for Busy Couples

Feb 7

Enjoy our first guest post by fellow dater, writer, and mother, JulieGoRound. Check out her personal blog, No Basement At The Alamo.

Big-Time-Dating-For-Busy-CouplesBefore children, I was getting my date sucked on a regular basis. And it felt really damn good.

I used to look forward to a date all day–I would fantasize about the dinner, the conversation, what I would do the MOMENT kissy kissy times would happen. Going out on a date, even if you’ve been with the same partner for many years, is the one time you can tell the rest of the world to eff off. I am spending time with my man, thank you very much.

The last time I went on a date was June 17, 2011, five days before our second daughter was born. To the young and tragically hip reading this, you have officially written me off as a lame ass, and I understand that. But I simply refuse to give up on dating. I will not let Kindergarten homework and lack of time and diapers and cooking supper and grading papers and directing shows (I am a theatre professor) and the complete and utter EXHAUSTION of having it all get in the way of my ability to date.

My husband and I now look for every opportunity to date. Below I present my recent dates.

Rules for these dates: A date is any time a child is not in your hand or in your face or you are not at work.

1) Brushing your teeth together at the sink before bed. DATE.

2) In the car alone before you pick up the kids from school. DATE.

3) In an elevator on the ride up to a doctor’s office. DATE.

4) Gathering your tax paperwork. DATE.

5) Loading the dishwasher after supper. DATE.

6) Watching TV on the couch after kids are in bed. Even if one of you falls asleep–DATE!

7) Showering together in the morning and telling your kids you are shaving your legs and daddy is helping you “wash your back” because you can’t reach it. DATE!

8) Any time your children are in another room in the house…get that date sucked.

9) Pretending to be locked in the hall closet with Daddy and will come out when the door will open. Five minutes in heaven date.

10) You are using the restroom while your partner is using the sink to get ready and you have a tiny house and only one bathroom so this is totally normal…date folks.

11) Making supper in your underwear (even if the kids are watching) will show them you like to keep food off your clothes. If you partner sits on the kitchen counter while you cook, it is one hot date.

12) Going to the laundry room to “get the clothes out of the dryer” and then telling your kids to stay out for 30 minutes because you found a nest of baby spiders and you have to stay in the laundry room until you find all 300 of them. Date that could go on as long as you want (and longer if the laundry room has a lock on the door).

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Win Big Time Dating Bait & Tackle!

Feb 1

We are kicking off a new page on the site. It’s called Support Our Dating Habit. Everyone who donates to our habit over the month of February will be automatically entered in a drawing for awesome goods (see thumbnails below). Every dollar gets your name in the hat once. 4 lucky winners will be announced March 1!

The Chart Ringer T-Shirt Big Time Dates Women's Fitted Tanktop
Big Time Dates laptop sleeve Are You Ready Mug

Oh yeah, you can also buy these (here). Boom!
 
If you feel this site has made a difference in your life… for better or worse, support our mission to sarcastically criticize commercial dating values in the interest of better relationships by donating here. We are big time grateful for the support.

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How About We…

Jan 25

How About WeHere at Big Time Dates we keep you up-to-date on the hottest dating trends. In this post we review the dating site HowAboutWe. Instead of just a bunch of photos of tip slips and up-skirts, members post ideas for dates. Sounds great, unless you live in a small town like we do, with nothing to do. http://www.thecoloncleansersite.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Best-Colon-Cleanse-thumbs-down.jpg There’s no Golden Gate or Coney Island. Well, there’s not even a gun range or a strip club. So if you are like us, you’ll need these top 9 fail-safe Big Time Dates for small town America.

How about we… hang out in my bedroom and listen to Big Time Dates on cassette.
How about we… hang out in my living room and listen to Big Time Dates on cassette.
How about we… hang out in my closet and listen to Big Time Dates on cassette.
How about we… hang out in my bathroom and listen to Big Time Dates on cassette.
How about we… get blasted and cruise the loop.
How about we… be sippin that purple drank, chunkin’ deuce, ridin’ slab.
How about we… put on our matching camo jump suits, head to Big Daddy’s for $1.50 Bud Lights, and then get into five fights.
How about we… eat at the back door and then eat out your back door.
How about we… DTFDTFDTFDTFDTFDTFDTFDTFDTFDTFDTFDTFDTFDTFDTF?

What’s your favorite small town Big Time Date idea?? Leave us comment below.

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What Is Big Time Dates?

Nov 10

Hey everyone! This is the one and ONLY time we will publish anything authentic and true (except for Dick Chart (and Pussy Plot (and all the podcasts (and all of the Big Time Dates we send people on))), of course).

  • We are the Colbert Report of the romance world. Ego-maniacs put out manipulative material and we one-up them, hard.
  • We are the Adbusters of online dating. We’ll Photoshop you into a successful love-filled life.
  • We are the Always Sunny In Philadelphia of sex. We come up with elaborate penis satisfying schemes that blow up in your face.

And all of this, in a 30 second podcast.

Mark and Nathan have decided to each submit a short essay on why we created this site.

.NATHAN

BIG TIME DATES is a reaction to the ever-increasing importance given to the form of sexual expression known as dating. You can’t throw a stone without hitting a dating website that guarantees h-a-p-p-i-n-e-s-s or a reality TV show with stupid models with stupid boobs. And I’m not talking about the social dating leading to friendships and expanded awareness, I’m talking about a means to an end.

If you’ve never used an online dating site, ask some of your friends about it. People’s experiences vary from jubilant to horrified as egos and expectations clash. But all we really want at BTD is for everyone to CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Through satirical How To articles and industry expert interviews we try to point out how silly you have been. Now watch how the media preys on your desires. They want your emotional commitment and $$$ and you’re giving it to them. It’s not them, it’s YOU. I promise.

All dating advice and services online are horse shit and ours is the stinkiest. With each post we pack the EXPLOSIVES to s~h~o~c~k you out of your emotional servitude. So n.e.x.t time you see an ad that makes your head spin, send it to us. Want us to cover an issue that’s bothering you? Write us about shit.

 

MARK

You wouldn’t know dark comedy if it pooped on your face.

Broadcasting from the Mobile Dating Unit

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Dick Chart Meet Pussy Plot

Nov 5

facebook surveyYou probably know that Dick Chart is our most popular page ever, receiving over 500,000 unique visitors per hour. For those of you returning from the moon, try doing a google image search for “chart.” The overwhelming success of this page combined with the results of a survey conducted by our R&D department on Facebook have led to the creation of ground breaking new imagery. Introducing the Pussy Plot.

 

 

 

pussy plot

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Russian Women Love BTD

Oct 18

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it never in my life: Russian women love Big Time Dates. Just take a look at this erotic exchange:

Russian women love Big Time Dates Big Time Dates Crew
oh hey, my hon! oh hey!
 Hello Honey! I would like to tell you a bit about myself.  You could, or we could just skip to the full body shot.
 I have long blond, very beautiful hair, small nice nose, perfect lips and big blue eyes.  Go on.
 I am a sociable easy going person, so I like meeting friends, going out, have fun and new something interesting.  Make sentence go?
 I’m looking for a strong relations with a caring and smart man!  Well I don’t know what the fuck you just said, but we are men.
 I am really tired of all these temporary relations.  Well, you’ve obviously never been on a Big Time Date. Oh, I mean Big Time Relations. Got that?
 I would like to find a man who will be able to estimate not only my beauty, but also my brain and my soul…  We have a chart for that.
 I want him to kind and handsome, brave and tender, romantic and honest.  Your verbing of nouns is hot.
 my site: www.want4love.ru  Oh sweet, here’s mine: Big Time Dates
 number-one, hope to hear soon from you  Wait, is that a golden showers reference? Cause we definitely do that.
 Anastasia  Mark and Nathan – Big Time Dates
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