Sext

Big Time Dates Goes Legit

Feb 13

Huge news guys. BigTimeDates.com is now a legitimate dating service. Mark and Nathan went on a 90-day amphetamine-fueled design binge. We are now proud to offer unrivaled matchmaking, so head on over to find your soul-mate and change your life forever!!

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Big Time Survey

Oct 11

If you feel that Big Time Dates has made a difference and you’d like to help support our mission to sarcastically criticize commercial dating values in the interest of better relationships, please fill out the listener survey below. It takes less than 60 seconds to complete and we are big time grateful for the support.

Being supported by our listeners and readers allows us to produce creative work (blog posts, podcasts, newsletters) for the public domain without worrying about copyright. Please share it freely so that you finally get a date, geez.
Big Time Dates »  – Big Time Dates

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Sex At Dawn

Jul 24
— Reposted from Nathan Lively’s personal blog

big-time-dates-nathan-mark-mobile-dating-unit

A year ago Mark and I started a satirical podcast called Big Time Dates. The idea back then was to make fun of relationship experts and savvy online marketing (sort of like Adbusters or Daily Affirmations With Stuart Smalley). As the year has passed, however, I’ve begun to realize that my effort to continue the project stems from deeper desires than mockery or satire. And when I recently read Sex at Dawn, these desires became clear: the podcast is really about promoting open communication and better understanding my own sexuality and the sexual nature of human beings overall.

The premise of Sex at Dawn is simple: Our biological baseline is to have a number of sexual relationships at the same time. The authors write:

“Homo sapiens evolved to be shamelessly, undeniably, inescapably sexual. Lusty Libertines. Rakes, rogues, and roués. Tomcats and sex kittens. Horndogs. Bitches in heat.” (Pg.46*)

Of course, as we all know, societal norms don’t permit us to act on this evolutionary trait. Repression of our non-monogamous sexual desires is a fact of Western, “civilized” life.

Sex at Dawn diplomatically states that “Whether or not our society’s investment in sexual repression is a net gain or loss is a question for another time,” but it’s clear to us here at BTD that sexual repression is unequivocally a net gain. Just ask the porn industry, which rakes in $50-100 billion annually. Or consult the data on drugs like Viagra, which bring in $1.9 billion every year. While BTD doesn’t pull in quite this kind of money, our strategy is exactly the same. Just like pornographers and drug manufacturers, we too are profiteers of sexual repression.

Big-Time-Dates-adrian-brody

This post written by Nathan Lively & Sara Tretter

Just like Al Capone was a hero during prohibition in the U.S., Nathan and Mark are heroes of sexual devolution. We sneak in that sweet tasty repression that forward thinking liberals would like to keep out. Here at BTD, we give you that good loving. And by loving I mean abuse. We exploit the tension between human beings’ naturally non-monogamous nature and society’s expectation of lifelong monogamy, and the inevitable shame and isolation that this tension engenders. “Sexual and emotional isolationism is a culturally imposed aberration for our species,” and this aberration creates a sweet spot of shame and self-loathing.

The characters we play in the podcast are hyperbolic examples of what humans can become in an attempt to escape these unpleasant emotions. “Mark” and “Nathan” are constantly inventing new plans for sexual domination and then failing fantastically, all in the space of 30 seconds. They want so badly to fix their own loneliness, not acknowledging that they have already succeeded as the show so often end in epic bro-mance (Describes the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males). Meanwhile, sex is inflated in a monstrous King-Kong towering above us, never to be understood.

Womens-Tank-Top-Big-Time-DatesOppression of women and sexual repression are kissing cousins, and so at BTD we celebrate them both equally. “Societies in which women have lots of autonomy and authority tend to be decidedly male-friendly, relaxed, tolerant, and plenty sexy.” And continuing, “If you’re unhappy at the amount of sexual opportunity in your life, don’t blame the women. Instead, make sure they have equal access to power, wealth, and status. Then watch what happens.”* Unfortunately, what will happen is the end of Big Time Dates. So don’t let it! Preserve the patriarchy and our endless supply of high-fives and self-deprecating humor! Live in fear! Buy our T-shirts!

Humans need to seek peace with the truth of our sexual nature. But as the real social change required to do so seems unlikely at best, the next best thing may just be rude, unapologetic satire that illustrates what we can become when we suppress who we naturally are.

You’re welcome, America.

*Sex At Dawn, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, published by Harper Perennial in 2011

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Best Dating Advise On Twitter

Jul 10

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Being Smart and Accomplished

Jul 4
Author: JulieGoRound

I have a lot of single friends who use various dating websites to find true love. A time or two my friends allowed me to view their full dating site profiles. As a taken gal who met my guy the old-fashioned way (face-to-face, not shopped), I am always amused by these websites. Many sites promise to find the perfect match, but what if you want to date outside your intellectual potential or interests?

What if really you just want to bag a sexy, smart, and accomplished person?

When I was single, my biggest fear was I would sound unintelligent and boring to my date. Over the years I have collected a handful of phrases you can use on a date that are GUARANTEED to make you the smartest fucker on the planet. And get that date sucked.

SMART+ACCOMPLISHED STUFF TO SAY ON DATES

1: Begin any story with the phrase, “When I was in the Peace Corp….” or “When I backpacked through Europe…..”

2: Tell the date their name meaning. Who the hell cares if you get it right. A lifelong relationship is built on bullshit. EXAMPLE: Did you know the meaning of the name Jennifer? It is French for “she who is most beautiful.”

3: Preface any interest your date has with, “I read in the New York Times/Wall Street Journal/Paris Review…..” EXAMPLE: “You like banana splits? I read in the Wall Street Journal that ice cream fat lipids are very beneficial for reproductive health if consumed in the morning.” Bam! Get you some.

big-time-date-feminist-gosling

4: Pretend you are a food/beverage connoisseur while at dinner. General Rule: Sniff, Slurp Slurp, Hold in Mouth, Make a Contemplative Face, Comment for Beverages. Turn Plate, Observe Dish, Comment Color Palette, First Bite, Fake Orgasm for Main Courses. This also works well in the bedroom.

5: Ask your date, “Do you speak French/Spanish/Italian/Swahili/Russian?” Make sure they say “no” to one, then make up a phrase in a language. EXAMPLE: “Do you speak Italian? No? The Italians, especially in the region of Tuscany, have a phrase they like to say in a similar situation–le tette sono impressionanti. It means, ‘Let’s have a good time!'” (It actually means Your titties are awesome. Compliment and smart skills. Two birds, one stone.)

6: Add the word “artisan” to any noun. EXAMPLE: “Let’s skip dessert here. I know a great artisan chocolate shop/artisan dildo shop/artisan cocktail bar around the corner.”

7: If you don’t have a tattoo, I would recommend buying a Sharpie, finding a cool symbol from another culture, and trace it on your forearm. Then you can roll up your sleeve, show it proudly, then say, “This is Chinese for, ‘I walk alone.'”

8: If you are fortunate enough to get your date back to your place, be prepared! Throw various foreign language magazines throughout your house, buy used textbooks on the smartest subjects available at a resale bookstore, stacks of Sartre, Heidegger, Lacan, Plato, Delsarte. Have a radical political poster on your wall.

9: While at your home, mention you have a conference call with the Sorbonne in the morning and must check your messages. Pre-load your answering machine with calls from foreign people you’ve invented. Use your skills of improvisation to laugh at the appropriate moments in the messages.

10: After making love to your date (if sex on first date is your persuasion), say, “I thought reaching the peak of the Himalayas was the biggest thrill of my life….until now.” BOOM!

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Get Your Date Sucked At Work

Jun 26

We all want to do it. But should we? Today we ask the question “How do you deal with your natural sexual desires when at work?” Would you masturbate on the job? Or rip a co-workers clothes off in a broom closet for a quickie? Steve Pavlina, a passionate blogger, said in a recent post that a friend was trying to convince him to give up his blog and get an office job. Here’s what happened:


Friend:
Your life sucks. You need to get an office job and work in a cubicle. Live the dream, man.
Steve:    
But that’s stupid. I get so much pussy.
Friend:
No you don’t. You’re wearing sweatpants…
Steve
:    …Well if I worked in an office, would I get to sex girls?big-time-dates-office-romance
Friend: What are you talking about?
Steve:    Well, if I’m with a female coworker, and we both get horny, then do we get to go take a shag break? Like, are there special rooms for that?
Friend: Oh no no no. You could both get fired for that sort of thing.
Steve:    Fired? Why? What if it’s just a quickie and we still get all our work done?
Friend: Yeah, don’t do that. The company could get sued.
Steve:    Ok… so I have to settle for blowjobs then?
Friend: …Goodness no. That’s just as bad.
Steve:    So what do people do if they get horny at work? People still get horny at their jobs, don’t they?
Friend: Sure… they get horny all the time. But they suppress it and pretend they’re not. Then they take care of themselves later, off the clock, usually with porn.
Steve:    Seems easier just to have a quickie, maybe take a short cuddle nap, and then go back to work refreshed and happy.
Friend: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in a corporate setting.
Steve:    …But those positive, after-sex feelings make collaboration easier. Trying to suppress one’s sexual desires every day seems like it would be very distracting.
Friend: It is distracting of course, but remember that you aren’t expected to be too productive anyway, so it works out okay.

Why is this taboo!??

The truth is, “you spend a lot of time at work, in an environment packed with people who share similar goals & have a high likelihood for compatibility.” Writer Crystal Miller once worked for a company that promoted inter-office dating. Their policy – “Your significant other will be comfortable because they’ll know where you are.  You’re both happy.  We’re happy because we know you’ll be more productive and that’s better for business.  Everybody wins.” This company won Best Place To Work on local & state levels several times.

big-time-dates-dating-worplaceAuthor Nicole Williams agrees, which is why she wrote Office Sex Survival Guide. It’s basically a manual for getting your date sucked at work. As she says, “When tensions are flaring, office space is tight, and we’re logging 60 hours of face time a week, how couldn’t we expect a little chemical reaction?” And lots of women are doing it, as she reports, “An estimated 10 million couples met their mate at the office in 2003.”

So if it’s so natural, why not have a designated Shag Break Room in the office as Pavlina suggested? I’m sure this has existed somewhere, sometime in the world. Please research this and get back to BTD HQ in the morning.

NOTE: Here are some work places that are not good to have sex at: kindergarten, high-rise window washer, bus driver, waste water treatment plant.

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Stop Wearing Deodorant

Jun 13

Travis has powerful sexual magnetism, and he stinks. What’s wrong here? big-time-dates-armpit-lick

You may remember Travis from Answering Letters Mit Travis Und Leif and Top German Pickup Lines.

He has been conducting an experiment since the beginning of this year to live without deodorant. Actually, he’s just really poor, but that’s besides the point. The point is, women love his B.O. He discovered this last year when cycling to meet a BTD at a park. By the time he arrived he was sweaty and rank. He apologized to his date who replied, “I love the way you smell.” A light bulb flipped on in Travis’ head and since then the same incident has played out many times with other BTD.

There is great evidence supporting the theory that women and men both subconsciously test a potential match through smell and taste. Ever heard of pheromone parties? Or bulusela shops — where Japanese men purchase girl’s vacuum-packed (but used) panties from vending machines?

In conclusion, we don’t wear deodorant… But we don’t wear condoms either… We also don’t have sex… We COULD though, we just don’t because we’re busy running/managing an entire dating website! #TIMEMANAGEMENT

Now that you are saving at least $1,000 a year on deodorant, you don’t want to pay taxes on that money. Spend it on a BTD T-Shirt!

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Date Anyone With New Speech Analysis Robot

May 15

At Big Time Dates we keep you up-to-date with the latest in dating technology. For instance, how about a speech-analyzing robot that can tell you exactly what to say to bag that Big Time Date? Interested? Good, because I’m about to you tell you how to talk your way into the Big Time Date of your dreams.

Psychologist James Pennebaker at the University of Texas has discovered that when the use of function words—the, like, this, though, I, and, there, an, that—match in two people, they are much more likely to get their date sucked.

His research also shows that the person who has a higher power status uses the word I less. This is corroborated by this example from The Charisma Myth in which two politicians running for Prime Minister in London happen to date the same woman at the same time.

Naturally, the press asked her what impressions the rivals had made. She said, “After dining with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest person in England. But after dining with Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest person in England.”

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize that Mr. Disraeli knew the power of I and other function words. He could have said, “Girl I’m so hard right now, ” but instead he said, “Girl you make me so hard. Now deal with it!”

Now I know what your thinking, “Oh, I’ll just adjust my speech so that my date and I use similar function words.” Wrong! Unfortunately, function words are basically invisible and it would be impossible for you to monitor someone else’s function words and adjust your own to match. Impossible for YOU, but not for a ROBOT.

 

INTRODUCING…

the Big Time Dates Sexy Talk Robot.

It monitors your conversation (assuming you actually get that far) by using Pennebaker’s Linguistic Inquiry and Word Count program, and tells you what to say. The words we use reflect who we are so stop losing dates because of your meager self-image. Big Time Dates Sexy Talk Robot knows exactly what you need to say to create the illusion of genuine interest that we all crave.

WRONG

big-time-dates-Sexy-Talk-Robot-wrong

 

RIGHT

big-time-dates-Sexy-Talk-Robot

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International Travel & Dating

Apr 24

Planning a summer get-away? Prepare yourself for those international Big Time Dates with these tips.

  1. Big-Time-Dates-Canela-GirlJoin A Wedding Party
    1. Canela Men’s Society Festival – This is an important part of the marriage ritual of the Canela indigenous people of Maranhão, northern Brazil. The premarital ‘service’ includes sequential sex with fifteen to twenty men. If the bride-to-be does well, she’ll earn payments of meat from the men.
    2. Rome – Marriage is celebrated with a wedding orgy in which the husband’s friends have intercourse with the bride, with witnesses standing by. (note: possible b.c./a.d. mix up here)
  2. Bring a machete
    1. There are four ways to date in Ethiopia:
      1. Arranged marriage
      2. Courtship or dating after a friendly meeting
      3. Abduction, such as during a blood feud between families
      4. Inheritance
  3. Go to China on November 11thBig-Time-Dates-Chinese-Singles-Day
    1. Each year November 11 has become an unofficial holiday known as  when singles are encouraged to make an extra effort to find a partner. You’re sure to find some easy dates.
  4. Sign Up With The Government
    1. Singapore’s largest dating service, Social Development Unit, is a government-run dating system.
    2. While the Iranian government “condemns dating and relationships”, it promotes marriage with “Courtship classes” where students can “earn a diploma” after sitting through weekly tests and “hundreds of hours of education”

Comment below with your vacation dating tips and stories.

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Happy Birthday To Big Time Dates

Apr 8
Big-Time-Dates-seal-of-approval

(those are breasts)

One year ago today I introduced Mark to blogging and podcasting with my audio tech show, Sound Design Live. We got to talking about how everyone is scrambling to promote their own personal brand online through content marketing and how best to slap them in the face with jokes.

MARK: Wouldn’t it be funny if we used compelling headlines under the pretext of offering valuable content from likable experts, only, there’s no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, just jerks.

NATHAN: I don’t know if that would be funny so much as incredibly annoying.

So we dropped that idea and instead created Big Time Dates, the world’s most valuable 30-second dating advise podcast. We created the website and posted our first podcast the same day, becoming an instant success. Here is the total number of unique visitors at the end of April 8th calculated by our Chief Analyst756,895.907.z589. Thanks to all of our listeners for the support. Obviously, we don’t need it, but if you just happen to have 4 minutes to waste, go to iTunes and paste in one of these reviews:

  1. What a great idea! ★★★★★★
    1. I’ve been listening to Big Time Dates from the beginning, way back. In that time I’ve come to greatly admire their dating and relationship advise. I’ve disagreed a handful of times… just kidding, who would ever disagree with pure truthism? It is frank, accurate, serious, and self-less. Their language may be a bit shocking at first, but if that bothers you then you should probably move along grandma. Big Time Dates is blowing up taboos, not massaging your ego. You can send your questions and sexual propositions to nathan@bigtimedates.com and it’s entirely anonymous, besides the part where they read your name and social security number on the air and stalk your family.
  2. Big Time Dates broke my heart. ★★★★★
    1. Nathan and Mark dated me hard for about 30 seconds, then just disappeared. No phone calls or anything, just the faint echo of “Bastrop county bitch.”
  3. Perfect example of excellence. ★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
    1. Pros – Same kind of absurd banter you’d expect if you’re a friend of the hosts. What ever skills Nathan and Mark have they employ to make you feel confused and awkward. Cons – Only comes out once a week. Pros – I come every day. P.S. If you subscribe, Nathan and Mark will suck your dick.
  4. Who would Jesus date? ★★★★★
    1. Is it a coincidence that Christians like me believe that Jesus rose from the dead on the same day that Big Time Dates was create?
  5. Slovak so hard? ☿☿☿☿☿
    1. I am from Slovakia and we have fun sex party now! If you want to live with wolves you have to howl with them. The lie has short legs. People burned. I’m in knots TV. Great BDT!
  6. Complete transformation! ★★★★★★
    1. I had not dates before, but now I have no dates! Thankssss Big Time Datesssss!!!
  7. From soft to hard.
    1. Women never talked to me before. Then I found Big Time Dates so it doesn’t matter anymore. That, plus I discovered internet porn.
  8. Dick Chart! ★★★★
    1. I used to be concerned with penis size then one day I was working on a chart for my stats class and stumbled upon Dick Chart. So glad to know I’m on the right path!
  9. Too busy getting my date sucked. ★★★★★
    1. If you were to take a look in my diary you would find blank pages because I’m too busy getting laid, all thanks to Big Time Dates.
  10. Best years of my life. ☺☺☺☺☺
    1. I’ve been listening to Big Time Dates for years now. At least 5 or 6 years, solid. When I went to renew my drivers license I notice that there’s a check box for Orgasm Donor and I feel way more confident in checking it now. Thanks BTD!
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