Author Archive

Being Smart and Accomplished

Jul 4
Author: JulieGoRound

I have a lot of single friends who use various dating websites to find true love. A time or two my friends allowed me to view their full dating site profiles. As a taken gal who met my guy the old-fashioned way (face-to-face, not shopped), I am always amused by these websites. Many sites promise to find the perfect match, but what if you want to date outside your intellectual potential or interests?

What if really you just want to bag a sexy, smart, and accomplished person?

When I was single, my biggest fear was I would sound unintelligent and boring to my date. Over the years I have collected a handful of phrases you can use on a date that are GUARANTEED to make you the smartest fucker on the planet. And get that date sucked.

SMART+ACCOMPLISHED STUFF TO SAY ON DATES

1: Begin any story with the phrase, “When I was in the Peace Corp….” or “When I backpacked through Europe…..”

2: Tell the date their name meaning. Who the hell cares if you get it right. A lifelong relationship is built on bullshit. EXAMPLE: Did you know the meaning of the name Jennifer? It is French for “she who is most beautiful.”

3: Preface any interest your date has with, “I read in the New York Times/Wall Street Journal/Paris Review…..” EXAMPLE: “You like banana splits? I read in the Wall Street Journal that ice cream fat lipids are very beneficial for reproductive health if consumed in the morning.” Bam! Get you some.

big-time-date-feminist-gosling

4: Pretend you are a food/beverage connoisseur while at dinner. General Rule: Sniff, Slurp Slurp, Hold in Mouth, Make a Contemplative Face, Comment for Beverages. Turn Plate, Observe Dish, Comment Color Palette, First Bite, Fake Orgasm for Main Courses. This also works well in the bedroom.

5: Ask your date, “Do you speak French/Spanish/Italian/Swahili/Russian?” Make sure they say “no” to one, then make up a phrase in a language. EXAMPLE: “Do you speak Italian? No? The Italians, especially in the region of Tuscany, have a phrase they like to say in a similar situation–le tette sono impressionanti. It means, ‘Let’s have a good time!'” (It actually means Your titties are awesome. Compliment and smart skills. Two birds, one stone.)

6: Add the word “artisan” to any noun. EXAMPLE: “Let’s skip dessert here. I know a great artisan chocolate shop/artisan dildo shop/artisan cocktail bar around the corner.”

7: If you don’t have a tattoo, I would recommend buying a Sharpie, finding a cool symbol from another culture, and trace it on your forearm. Then you can roll up your sleeve, show it proudly, then say, “This is Chinese for, ‘I walk alone.'”

8: If you are fortunate enough to get your date back to your place, be prepared! Throw various foreign language magazines throughout your house, buy used textbooks on the smartest subjects available at a resale bookstore, stacks of Sartre, Heidegger, Lacan, Plato, Delsarte. Have a radical political poster on your wall.

9: While at your home, mention you have a conference call with the Sorbonne in the morning and must check your messages. Pre-load your answering machine with calls from foreign people you’ve invented. Use your skills of improvisation to laugh at the appropriate moments in the messages.

10: After making love to your date (if sex on first date is your persuasion), say, “I thought reaching the peak of the Himalayas was the biggest thrill of my life….until now.” BOOM!

Filed Under: Sext

Big Time Dating for Busy Couples

Feb 7

Enjoy our first guest post by fellow dater, writer, and mother, JulieGoRound. Check out her personal blog, No Basement At The Alamo.

Big-Time-Dating-For-Busy-CouplesBefore children, I was getting my date sucked on a regular basis. And it felt really damn good.

I used to look forward to a date all day–I would fantasize about the dinner, the conversation, what I would do the MOMENT kissy kissy times would happen. Going out on a date, even if you’ve been with the same partner for many years, is the one time you can tell the rest of the world to eff off. I am spending time with my man, thank you very much.

The last time I went on a date was June 17, 2011, five days before our second daughter was born. To the young and tragically hip reading this, you have officially written me off as a lame ass, and I understand that. But I simply refuse to give up on dating. I will not let Kindergarten homework and lack of time and diapers and cooking supper and grading papers and directing shows (I am a theatre professor) and the complete and utter EXHAUSTION of having it all get in the way of my ability to date.

My husband and I now look for every opportunity to date. Below I present my recent dates.

Rules for these dates: A date is any time a child is not in your hand or in your face or you are not at work.

1) Brushing your teeth together at the sink before bed. DATE.

2) In the car alone before you pick up the kids from school. DATE.

3) In an elevator on the ride up to a doctor’s office. DATE.

4) Gathering your tax paperwork. DATE.

5) Loading the dishwasher after supper. DATE.

6) Watching TV on the couch after kids are in bed. Even if one of you falls asleep–DATE!

7) Showering together in the morning and telling your kids you are shaving your legs and daddy is helping you “wash your back” because you can’t reach it. DATE!

8) Any time your children are in another room in the house…get that date sucked.

9) Pretending to be locked in the hall closet with Daddy and will come out when the door will open. Five minutes in heaven date.

10) You are using the restroom while your partner is using the sink to get ready and you have a tiny house and only one bathroom so this is totally normal…date folks.

11) Making supper in your underwear (even if the kids are watching) will show them you like to keep food off your clothes. If you partner sits on the kitchen counter while you cook, it is one hot date.

12) Going to the laundry room to “get the clothes out of the dryer” and then telling your kids to stay out for 30 minutes because you found a nest of baby spiders and you have to stay in the laundry room until you find all 300 of them. Date that could go on as long as you want (and longer if the laundry room has a lock on the door).

Filed Under: Sext